Girls

Naomi Jane joined our family on Monday, November 17th in quite a grand way.  Eventually, you will be able to read her birth story on our other blog, but I need to get this entry done first.

Naomi Jane (photo used with permission)

For some background, ever since we knew we were pregnant, Lilly has been convinced that "this baby" was going to be a girl.  We couldn't blame her, as she kind of missed the opportunity to have a sister with Stella.  But we were not convinced.  We were SO SURE that this baby was going to be a boy.  Every once in a while, Lilly would give in to the idea that it could be a boy, but even down to her leaving the delivery room on the way to a friend's house right before Naomi was born, she still said, "I think it's a sister."  Ultimately, we knew that there would be someone in our family who would be "disappointed" by the outcome of this birth...

I had prepared the "nursery" a few weeks ago, getting out all the boy clothes that my sister had passed on to me, washing them, putting them in the drawers, etc.  I did buy a new girl's outfit "just in case" to have at the hospital, but I really didn't think that I would need it--I had even thought about how I could pass it on to someone else explaining that it was new, I had just washed it...  In other words, I KNEW it was going to be a boy (I did know where the girl stuff was and that it would be easy to get to if we ended up needing it.)

When Pret first saw the gender of "new baby," he was truly speechless.  I was kind of in a fog during the delivery, but I do remember the midwife asking Pret to announce the gender and he didn't.  He literally had to get a second look to believe that Naomi was a girl.  He told me later, that while I was in labor, he wished for the first time that we had decided to find out the gender.  :/  (It is yet to be determined whether we will find out with our next child.)

While in the hospital, I didn't feel much sadness about Naomi being a girl.  I just loved her and was glad that she was healthy and I could hold her.  She was so wonderful and we were all so happy she was finally here.  Coming home was a bit of a different story.  My sister, mother, and mother-in-law had pulled out the newborn girl clothes and washed and folded them.  But it was up to me to sort through them and switch them out for the boy clothes in the drawers.  Oh my goodness, that was hard.  I cried so often through that process.  And each time I found another item of boy-related something, the tears would come again.

Pret and I have discussed it--we KNOW that Naomi will never "replace" Stella; Stella has a unique and wonderful place in our family and hearts.  If this baby had been a boy, though, it would have provided us with a whole new experience--one we had NEVER had before.  We were looking forward to that opportunity.  So there was, and still is, a small measure of disappointment that we do not have that opportunity...yet.  Hopefully we will feel emotionally and physically ready at some point to try again for that opportunity.

Sunday, though, again, brought up a rough time for me; sadly one that I am sure will be reoccurring.  It was a night full of baby blues.  I have found that the evenings are the worst as far as getting emotional regarding EVERYTHING.  So I was feeling overwhelmed with motherhood in general and I realized that I just needed hugs from my girls.  So I found Lilly and just hugged her big and hard--trying to exchange love with her.  It filled my cup a portion of the way.  Then I was able to hold Naomi and do the same with her.  But I realized at that moment that I couldn't hug ALL my GIRLS!  I was crushed.  I wanted to hug Stella so badly!  I wanted to remember her cute squashed nose, hold her perfect little hands and kiss her over and over again.  But I know I can't.  Not on this earth again.

A few weeks ago, I asked Pret for a blessing.  I had been having a rough day and just needed some words of comfort and to know that Heavenly Father recognized my pain and was there for me.  I felt better after, but also recognized the reality of the situation in that my grief will never be complete.  Pret said as much in the blessing, that there would be hard days in the future.  I am glad that I had that "warning" so I can acknowledge my grief and be with it and be OK with it!

The rest of the night was a blubbery mess.  As I was singing songs with Lilly, I really struggled with "Families Can Be Together Forever."  The first line of the first verse, says, "I have a family here on earth."  That is very true; I have a wonderful family here on earth.  But I also have some family up in heaven.  I am very keenly aware of that each time I sing the song.  In fact, as I sing it, I try to figure out how I can write another verse that talks about living again with those that are already in heaven.  I'll let you know if I ever get that figured out.

I am sure that these feelings of wanting my "girls" will come and multiple times in my life.  I don't really look forward to those moments.  I will always love ALL my GIRLS!  They will always be a part of my life.  I am so grateful that Lilly had the opportunity to meet Stella so she knows the she has another sister.  I look forward to sharing Stella with Naomi (although, I know that they got to spend lots of time together before Naomi came to be with us--it will be like meeting a familiar face for her.)

Yesterday, as we were talking about Christmas and figuring out how to hang our stockings, it was weird to think that we are now a family of FIVE!  Although most people (obviously not you!) will look at us and see a family of four, I am blessed to know that eternally we are more.

Lilly drew this picture about a week before Naomi was born.  At first, it was just Mommy (with "new baby" in her tummy), Daddy, and Lilly.  I asked her if that was everyone and immediately she realized she needed to add Stella.  So she drew the blue sky for heaven and then added Stella in her pretty dress.  I think I will frame this picture and put it up in the nursery after I am done with having it on the fridge.  

Songs, Part 1

"Into the West" became one of my "Stella" songs shortly after her passing. On my first postpartum run, I listened to this song while standing in the cemetery watching an amazing sunset with tears streaming down my face. 

Neil is a personal friend with an amazing voice. He is also an Angel Dad. I know his heart is truly in this performance--you can see it at the very end of the video. I also happen to know the pianist and that he has overcome some great challenges in his life.  I cannot listen to this performance without tears streaming down my face. 

There are so many significant phrases in this song. Although I understand that my little girl is not just "sleeping," but the image of being able to hold her in my arms once more is something I dream of and long for--it will happen one day. I look forward to that day, Stella.  Until that day and forever, I love you!

Scared

I don't really want to write this, but I guess that means that I should, right?

Last night we went to our new neighborhood block party.  It was a lot of fun and I met some great people that I look forward to getting to know better.  It was pot-luck style and the food was yummy.

Sorry if this is TMI (the whole post will get a bit graphic, so don't keep reading if your stomach is feeling weak right now), but I have been a little "backed-up" the last few days and I knew that when it finally came out, it was not going to be fun.  Well, it wasn't.  About 3:45 this morning I woke up with a rotten stomach.  I don't know if it was technically "food poisoning," but something I ate last night was not sitting well in my stomach.  As I fought through the pains of gas behind constipation, I was not a happy camper.

Well, as my body realized it was not going to get out what it needed to down below, it sent it up, instead.  NOT FUN!  Although I am gratefully not one that suffers with morning sickness, I have had more than my fair share of stomach bugs while pregnant and I am not a fan.  I won't say I would trade it, but this is my place to complain, so I am going to.  I was basically on the toilet for the next two hours.

Now, in the past, when I have fought with any kind of a "throwing-up" bug, I will normally purge, and then have a resting time of 45-60 minutes before my body attacks again.  This usually allows me to get some rest in between.  Not this time.  I have tried really hard to stay hydrated this pregnancy, knowing that I am going through heat and also trying to prevent the swelling that I have experienced in my previous two pregnancies.  The problem is, when I get sick like that, I can't keep anything down.  I even tried to drink some water, but about 10 minutes later, it was up.  :-(

Something I did not learn until this morning, when pregnant, if you get too dehydrated, it can induce contractions.  Not a good thing for someone only 25 weeks pregnant (about six months, for those who measure that way).  After about an hour of purging (thankfully, my lower bowels finally gave in and gave a bit of relief that way), I started realizing that the cramping I was experiencing was more than just "bad stomach."  I was having contractions!

They were not hard contractions, but they were coming every 5-10 minutes.  Because of the tightening of my uterus, it also tightened up my stomach and triggered my gag reflex.  Some times it was productive, other times it was just loud.  Everything kind of "clicked" when I realized the my instinct was to moan to work through these bouts of pain.  I thought, "this feels more like a labor coping method than a vomiting coping method."

Then, fear kicked in.  I have been warned (in a kind way, not at all negative) since I first discovered I was pregnant, that because of having two pregnancies so close together, I could end up delivering this baby early.  I am hoping that I will not go too much more than 1-2 weeks, but I had this warning start flaring up in the back of my mind.  That, combined with knowing of a few other angel moms who have lost two babies in a year, or miscarried in the pregnancy following their loss, I had huge surges of fear start rushing through my body.

I know this fear was not good for me physically; as I look back, I am pretty sure it intensified the pain, which then induced more fear.  But, I think in the end, it was needed.  Rather than sit in the fear for too long (although my moaning began taking on words as I vocalized my fear), it prompted me to share it with Pret and ask for a blessing and let him know that I felt I needed to go to the hospital.  My sister and her husband and their kids are here right now, so even though it was 6:00 am, Pret was able to get Alan to give me a blessing.  I don't remember much of what was said (I was SO TIRED and weak that I was barely conscious between attacks), but I do remember that Pret said that the baby would be ok.  That calmed my fear a little bit, but it was still very present.

I was so scared that something was going to happen to this baby.  Although I am so grateful for the strength and blessings that we have received through and after everything with Stella, I don't want to go through that again.  Who would?  Although I know at 25 weeks my baby could possibly survive (after many weeks-months in the NICU, ) but I am not ready for that.  I need this baby to be healthy and strong.

I don't feel as though I felt a lot of fear going into things with Stella.  In fact, I felt so much peace that I don't think there was room for fear.  So, even though I am chalking up my fear to PTSD, I don't know that it stems from feeling fear then.  I just know that I DO NOT want to go through that again.  I don't want the pain, the sadness, the emptiness again.

Anyway, Pret took me to the hospital.  I think we hit every light between here and the hospital being red.  Pret ran a few of them, for which I was very grateful.  I hope that is not a pre-curser to when I go in to deliver this baby.  Hopefully we got it all out this time.  Anyway, I had one last attack in the parking lot (I had thankfully brought the bowl with me), but I was so weak afterward that Pret went in and got a wheelchair to take me up to L&D.  They had an IV bag and some Zofran waiting for me, for which I was VERY grateful!  They also immediately hooked me up to a contraction and baby monitor so they could check to make sure everything was OK.

It was then that I realized how fear-driven my sickness really was.  I didn't have any more nausea attacks once I was at the hospital, even though according to my current "rate," I should have had one before they even had the IV in me, let alone the Zofran flowing through my blood.  I think the peace of just being in the hospital and knowing that if things got too bad they would be able to handle it helped to calm my body down.  The contractions, albeit minor, did continue for the next 45 minutes or so until I became more hydrated, baby's heartbeat was strong and the little one was really moving around, so I knew everything was going to be ok.

The nurses were also very reassuring, sharing that it was very common for dehydration to induce contractions.  That made both Pret and me feel a lot better.  They automatically pushed me with two bags of fluid, and then when the nurse went to check with my midwife, she recommended another bag as well as another dose of Zofran.  I am grateful that she did.  I know that it has helped a lot.

As I was laying there receiving the fluids, I was able to process my emotions a little bit more and recognize the fear.  I am still a little bit shaky about it as I am writing this, and know that I need to process it a little bit more, but I am just glad that I can recognize it for what it is.

I have some dear friends that have worked with and through PTSD in their lives.  I know the detriment it has been for them.  Although my experience was short-lived, I can now empathize with them on how it deeply and strongly it can affect a person.  I was shaking uncontrollably (common for me when I am sick/emotional), obviously not well physically, and just wanted to moan my way through life and even just pass out to get away from it all.

I was released before noon and have just been taking it easy the rest of the day.  I am very tired (even after a 90 minute nap), and am looking forward to sleeping tonight.  I have taken some more Zofran so I could eat some soup and hopefully build up a little bit of energy.  Here's to a better day tomorrow.

Healthy

We went in for our ultrasound today. Admittedly, we were both a bit nervous. Pret decided he wanted to come and I'm glad he was able to experience a positive ultrasound. 

Yes, everything appeared healthy and normal and measured right on target!  Both the tech and the midwife were funny with us not wanting to know. The tech, who happens to be roommates with one of Pret's best nurses, said we are definitely in the minority when it comes to (not) finding out the gender of the baby. She was great about showing us as much as she could without revealing any parts. :)

I got so good at recognizing the parts amidst Stella's abnormalities, that it was almost hard to distinguish them when everything was normal. I almost missed seeing the acieties (all the fluid, etc.,  in her abdomen,) but I am so glad it is absent in this new little one. 

So, now the next waiting game begins. The midwives have warned that I could deliver early due to having two pregnancies so close together, so I could be more than halfway there. Hopefully I won't go too early-I don't want to go back to school before Christmas! :)

Six-month

Another cunning way to get around "one word!"  :-)

It was last night that I realized that tomorrow was six months for two reasons--it is the first Tuesday as well as actually being the 3rd day of the month.  This is the first time it has happened since the day Stella was born.

It has been a great day.  Made it to do initiatory at the temple, which was really nice.  Pret was able to make it, too, which was a first as well, and very nice.

The last few weeks have been rough.  Sunday, I had a bit of a breakdown.  Pret was very supportive and let me just be.  The week has gotten progressively better, maybe that has to do with the fact that the school year has gotten progressively shorter.

Ok, that's really all I wanted to say.  Short and sweet and life is going on.  :-)

Motions

It has been a while since I have had a day when I feel like I am just going through the motions.  I hope that I can break out of it for today, but right now it doesn't feel like it.

Today started out really great.  Today was the "Running With Angels" run at Thanksgiving Point.  It was an absolutely perfect, beautiful day for a run.  I hope all those running the Ogden Marathon today felt the same way for their race.  Anyway, I felt good the whole time, smiled every time I saw purple tulips and had some fun conversations with Lilly.  It was also awesome to see so many people rallying behind so many angels.  I hope to get a team together next year honoring all the young angels of people I know.  We'll see how ambitious I get with a 6-month old!  At least I know I'll be able to run a 5K at that point.

Since I was already out and about and didn't have anything more pressing than housework and a shower to get home to, I decided that I would swing by IMC and finally pick up the hand and feet molds that had been done of Stella.  They called about a week after her birth and told me they were done, but I just had not made the time to go get them yet.  So today would be the day that I would do lots of things for Stella!

As I went into the maternity ward, I felt fine.  No painful flashbacks, just a peacefulness that was there.  The receptionist had stepped away for a moment, so the solo nurse asked me to sit for a minute.  That is when I took a moment to look around.  I saw the sign that showed where our room was located.  I remembered that they had put us back around the corner so we wouldn't be so disturbed by the main flow.  And I started remembering...  I had to take a deep breath.  I wanted to cry, but I didn't.

The receptionist returned and the nurse went to go get the molds.  She was very kind and noticed the bib I was wearing and asked about what I had been up to.  I explained about the run and she noted how hard it was on both ends of the events.  Hard for the family, but equally hard for the nurses.  I can only imagine.  She was very kind and tender and offered me love on my way when the nurse returned with the boxes.

I quickly returned to the car, as I had left Lilly waiting in the car (don't judge or call the cops on me, please).  I wanted to see them, though.  Lilly was quietly playing with my phone, so I took a moment to open the boxes and just be with Stella's little hands and feet.  I will share pictures in another post.  But I just remembered holding her precious hands and never wanting to let go.  They were so tiny and white and perfect.  I loved them so much!  I love her so much! (Tears are pouring right now, just FYI).

I took just a moment to be with them and feel and grieve and cry.  I knew I needed to get moving again, though.  So I went through the motions of starting the car, putting it in gear, and putting it in the direction of home.  As I was driving, I realized that I was just kind of on autopilot.  I was truly just going through the motions.  Good thing I have 16 years of driving under my belt so I could get away with that.  :-)

Now, for one of the first times in a long time, I just want to take the day and cry.  Don't know that the tears will really come all day, and I have some great things to be looking forward to today, but I'm not sure how it will turn out.  I am just going to let it flow.  I know I have the right and the NEED to do it.  Every day does not have to be happy, but every day will be perfect for what it is meant to be.  I am grateful I recognize and understand that and have so many people who love and support me through knowing and understanding that as well.

Sometimes it's ok to just go through the motions.  It is what gets me through.

Three

Again, a "kinda" double meaning for the title.  And they are both great meanings!

Three #1:  We are expecting baby number three!

Three #2:  I am three months pregnant today!

So for those of you trying to count, that means that we will be expecting a baby around November 17th.  We are very excited and feel very blessed to be expecting again so soon.  We recognize that all is part of God's plan and are so thankful for the opportunity we will have to bring another child into our family.

In both of my previous pregnancies, we were unable to detect the babies' heartbeats via Doppler and we had to go to ultrasound to see the babies moving.  So it was kind of fun to have the midwife go straight to ultrasound, without me even saying anything, and see such a perfect picture of our baby.  Baby was very active (even at just 10 weeks) and had a strong heartbeat flutter, so I was happy.  Lilly was a little disappointed as she loves going with me to hear the baby's heartbeat, but there will be many more experiences for her in the future.

Speaking of Lilly, she is very excited that Mommy has another baby in her tummy.  She is also extra conscious of other women who have just, or who "may" have (sorry again, Sarah!) babies in their tummies as well.  I think that she will be a little worried when it comes time to go for delivery that I might not bring this baby home, but we will address that concern in a few more months.  I'm also glad that we have a few months to adjust to having to "share" Mommy.  She has wigged out the last few times I have had another child on my lap.

And an ending quote from my current favorite show, "Call the Midwife," coming from a woman who survived the Holocaust to another character who just lost a loved one:

"You just keep on living until one day you feel alive again."

It is good to feel alive and I look forward to being able to feel a life inside again!

Anniversary

Today is Pret's and my eight year anniversary!  Thanks to Pret's parents and some dear friends, we a were able to spend a wonderful night away last night. We had both been looking forward to it for days. We both woke up a little giddy in the morning, yesterday, and that spread all the way through today. This morning as we lay in bed, we spent some time going through each of our anniversaries and what we had done for each. I probably should record that somewhere soon so we don't forget them. Each has been great and memorable in their own way. We look forward to as many more in life as God will bless us with and an eternity of them after that...

I include this post on this big for a couple different reasons. 1) when we realized that Pret would be taking the day off work, we also decided to go and pick out the headstone for Stella's grave. Although we have had he desire and the funds available, we had not yet made it a priority. We did today! 

2) Tonight is the Candle Lighting Ceremony for Angel Watch. I wasn't sure we would make it originally when I found out it would be on our anniversary, but after talking with Pret, we decided it would be a great way to celebrate!  We look forward to connecting with other families and remembering out sweet Stella together. 

And in honor of our anniversary, I will also share the picture of he wall to which we finally added our "family plaque!"  

Smiles

I have been blessed to be around a lot of smiling babies recently. They have brought great joy to my heart. I have always loved trying to make babies smile for me, so to have such willing participates has been wonderful. 

I find myself often wondering about what Stella looks like. I can't quite picture her smile-if I can picture her face at all it is very "apparitional," just a fleeting side glance. That is definitely one of the things I look forward to the most about being with her again. 

We are also truly blessed with anothe daughter that fills our life with lots of smiles. We really can't get enough of Lilly and her infectious joy. I especially love it when she gets excited about things related to Stella. Just this morning she was playing an alphabet game and it sang the ABC song. She hollared when it showed L, "L for me!" (she is always quick to point out) but then she exclaimed again when it passed S, "And S for Stella!"  It brought a fast smile to my face. 

Smiles are definitely worth loving for. I try to have one on my face as often as possible-always have. I hope that my smile can help to brighten another's day as so many have helped to brighten mine. I have even learned to smile through the tears! 

Due

The title of this post is in reference to many things...

It's here. With as easy as Christmas was, I didn't think that today would be so hard. 

Yesterday was hard, too. Pret and I had a wonderful time on our cruise. It was exactly what we needed. The time to relax and get away from the world was definitely due. And we enjoyed every minute of it. 

Leaving that freedom was harder than it's ever been. We are so excited to see Lilly again and that is about the only thing that is giving us any desire to be back home. 

As we were feeling sad about returning to reality, we realized it was largely because ever since we decided to do this cruise, it has given us something to look forward to--we could put off our grief and troubles. But as we are coming back, we recognize everything we have to face still. 

So we took a few moments to look through the pictures we had brought with us. We sat and we cried. We did it together. That mutual mourning was due. We have been very blessed as our relationship has been strengthened and deepened thus far and I think it only went further and deeper with that sharing. 

And today is the day that our little girl was due! 

Photo courtesy of Photos by WendyG (Thank you for a beautiful gift, Wendy!)

Most people who know us well know that Pret and I have boycotted Valentine's Day since we were engaged (even though Pret broke the rules that first year--he's a softy when it comes to giving presents). We have spent most V-Day nights with McDonalds and a Red Box movie (it seems like V-Day has been on a weekend night more often than normal since we've been married, so we have to be doing something for a date night, right?), which is exactly what we wanted-no more, no less. 

So when we found out that my due date was February 14th we were excited that we would finally have a reason to not have to celebrate Valentine's Day. But then we realized that it might be a curse on our child, especially if it was a boy. So then I started hoping for a birthday of 2-7-14 (wouldn't that have been an awesome birthday?)  That would only be a week early, which would not be unreasonable considering I was three days early with Lilly. So in a way, I started to just not plan on having my baby on Valentine's Day. Good thing, huh! :)

After everything had passed in December, we tried to think of what we could do for different days to honor Stella. We have decided we will celebrate her birthday in December with angel food cake and star gazer lilies. And we will have Valentine's Day be our day of "Family Love" where we spend the day as a family. And maybe even go to her grave. We probably won't do flowers that day, though! 

I knew another lady in my ward was due around the same time as me so when I ran into her toward the beginning of January, I asked her about it and she told me she was due Feb. 14th. I tried to keep the smile on my face but it was hiding pain. I knew she was even having a girl. They would have been friends! I don't think she knew that was the same day Stella was due and I didn't want to take away her joy, so I didn't say anything.  Talking to her a few weeks ago I was able to express my excitement to her, though. I will have to hold and snuggle that little girl lots and lots!

I knew today would be hard after yesterday. I so appreciate those who have remembered and given wishes of love already. On the way to the airport this morning, we were riding with an older couple whose flight yesterday had been cancelled due to the storm. They were sad because their daughter was due to deliver their grandchild this morning and the wife was planning on being there with her daughter. It was really hard, but I was able to share in their joy and their sadness. All I could tell them was to hold and hug that baby lots. That's all I can tell anyone right now!

I will continue to cry off and on all day today. I am due for another happy-sad day. I like when they come. It helps me remember Stella. It helps me remember that I love her and that it's ok to be sad about her not being here. It helps Lilly know it's ok to be sad. It helps me remember and know that I am alive. It helps. 

I LOVE you, Stella. I know I don't need a special day to remember you, just like I don't need a day to tell me that I love your dad, but I am glad I have a day that I can devote to remembering my love for you!

Desire

Yesterday (Wednesday, since in my head and I haven't gone to sleep and it is therefor still Thursday even though it is not almost 30 minutes into Friday), I was ready to quit my job.  Everything was just too much.  I have not had many days like that (I can think of three other teaching days, and two days post-Stella), but yesterday was a doosy.  I didn't want to teach anymore.  Yep, turn in a letter and not go back until after school was out.

I didn't, though.  I did call an emotional safety night (amidst tears of sadness, fear, and a little bit of guilt) and told Pret that we were going out to dinner.  We went to Subway.  And it was wonderful.  I got to spend time with Pret and Lilly, and even thought about Stella. I came home and read my book and watched some movie with Stella.  I took time for myself.

This morning (Thursday), I got down on my knees and prayed.  I prayed for a desire to want to go to school/work.  I know I didn't want to.  So I knew I needed to just have a desire to want to.  You know, like Alma 32:27, where you just have to desire to believe, not even believe, to have your faith blossom.

Thankfully, that desire was given and I was able to get up and go.  And it was a good day.  I think it would have been better if it was not the last day of school before a 3-day weekend for my students.  All the teachers I talked to said their classes were crazy.

I know that I had a little angel helping me out today.  I knew I needed her help.  I wore the "other" necklace--the one with the "S" on it, just to help me out.

Do you need help?  Do you need to just have a "desire?"  Seek after that, for, like me, it might be all you can do!

(P.S.  In 24 hours, I'll be in Florida!  Eep!)

Broke

I don't know how I will make it work, but I really want to have the titles of my posts, for the most part, be only ONE word.  I think I decided that when I was running that first day and knew the title would be "Firsts."  And even as I have contemplated writing this post, I have gone back and forth between BROKE and BROKEN.  I think that Broken is more grammatically correct, but BROKE just feels better.  So there.

I mentioned in my last post that my necklace broke.  Here is the background:

My cousin and his wife lost their oldest son to a brain tumor 9 years ago and I know that she got a necklace that she wears often (daily, even?) in remembrance of and connection to him.  I like that idea a lot and at that point I didn't know if I would have to be separated from Stella while she was in a NICU, etc., so I started thinking of something I could have that could be a "connection" for us.  

I have to go in and get the diamond in my ring checked every six months.  It comes up in April and October.  So I actually went in a little late and wasn't there until the first week of November, so I had an idea of what may be coming up with Stella.  While I waited for my ring to be checked and cleaned, I took a few minutes to look at the displays.  I saw that necklace and knew then and there that is what I wanted.  I didn't even look at the price, but I memorized the necklace.  I knew I wanted it.  I told Pret about it sometime soon after that and said if anything happened, I wanted to get that necklace.  

The morning after we got the preliminary potential diagnosis, I couldn't go back to sleep after Pret got up to go to the gym (about 4:30.)  I laid awake for a while and finally decided to look up the necklace to send a picture to Pret and remind him again that I wanted to get it.  I am so glad I did.  That afternoon, we finalized the plans for her birth (more about that later), and when Pret called to tell me about it, he told me me he was going to get the necklace for me that day.

I am so glad that he did.  I needed that strength and connection to make it though.  I am a fidgety person anyway, so when I would start to get nervous/sad discussing all the plans, it was nice to have something tangible to occupy my hands, but also my thoughts.  I know that doesn't necessarily make sense, but hopefully you can understand anyway.  I cried as he gave it to me and kept it very close to my heart.  

I wore it during delivery and labor and those pictures are the only time I took it off.  Pret gave me beautiful earrings for Christmas to wear with my pearls that he gave me for our wedding.  For New Year's Eve, I wanted to wear the earrings, but didn't want to take my necklace off to wear the pearls.  Thankfully, the sweater I wore hid my footprints necklace, so I sneakily wore both necklaces.  

I have debated about wearing other jewelry sets since then, but I haven't wanted to take off my necklace.  I was given another necklace by another "angel mom" that has a little "s" on it that I have thought about wearing, but I still didn't want to take off my "feet."  I thought about and had even planned to tell my students about my necklace on Thursday, but after they had left and I was playing with my necklace, I realized that I forgot.  I figured someone would notice it and ask about it at some point, so I would just bring it up then.  

So Thursday night, I was playing with Lilly (did I mention that it was a beautiful night?), holding her around my waist and having her fall back.  Well, at one point, she grabbed as she was falling back and happened to grab my necklace.  The chain is very delicate, so it didn't take much to snap it.  A tiny piece of my heart snapped as well.  I wanted to start crying, kind of.  I was sad, for sure, but I didn't want Lilly to think that she had done something wrong (it was absolutely an accident), and I don't want her to think that Stella is any more important than her.  So, I carefully got the pendant and ring (that I added after Stella held it in her hand (see picture below)) and placed them on the counter and went on playing and laughing with Lilly.  

I haven't cried about it yet and I am not sure that I will.  Friday, I didn't want to be without it, so I put the pendant and ring in my pocket so I still had it.  The chain is still where I put it after taking it off.  I will get it fixed, I am just not sure when.  The pendent and ring are on the counter where I can see them.  They are great reminders and a great connection, but the true connection is in my heart.  I know that.  I know that I will have that forever, where this necklace could break again.  It is not forever.  I need my emotional and spiritual connections to stay strong.  They are what will bring me through.  They are my strength.  

Today, I wore my purple earrings to church.  I hate purple, but it is the color we associated with Stella, so it will always have a very UNIQUE place in my heart.  So I still have my little things.  

I am not broken.  Neither is my connection with Stella.  Neither is my connection with God.   

Back, Part 2

I knew before I wrote the post yesterday that I wanted it to be two parts, hence the title even then.  Now it might be three parts, depending on how things go today.

It was a whirlwind when I got there in the morning, with trying to get caught up on where my class was in each subject, etc.  And I'll admit, when the bell rang, I had a twinge of nerves run through me.  All day, I felt like I was just a 1/2 step behind in being prepared for what came next, but the students were really forgiving with everything and it all worked out ok.

As the students came in, many of them gave me hugs, or an enthusiastic "HI!"  It warmed my heart immensely.  Then, a parent walked in carrying a beautiful bouquet of flowers.  That's when I started crying.  It meant a lot to me that she marked that rough day with a thing of beauty and love.  Sharing with the students went well.  They were all really excited to see the pictures of Stella.  I didn't tell them that she was dead by the time those pictures were taken--I didn't figure they needed to know that little detail.  I'm sure most figured she was just sleeping.

The day went by pretty well.  The particular child that I mentioned in my post yesterday morning had a big of a rough day--that was the one thing that I couldn't face.  I know that if my frustration gets too high, the tears will come.  So I am not pushing myself and I thankfully have a wonderful staff to support me in this.  I know I am starting at a point of being on top of things--I hope I can stay that way.  I hate the feeling of being behind!

The day ended perfectly!  Lilly was an absolute doll last night.  I picked her up with the intention of going out again for a few different things, but we just stayed home in the end.  We played, we read, we watched some shows, I made an easy (although it was healthy!) dinner that we both enjoyed, and she went to bed with no complaints (still on the floor, though).  The only downfall of the night was that my necklace broke.  More on that later....

Now I am going to be late to school today if I don't get this published and on my way!

Back, part 1

Today I go back.  Back to work.  I think I am feeling ok.  I have a little pit in my stomach and I have been up since 4:00, but I AM OK.

One of the things I worry most about is Lilly.  This will be the first time that she will have been away from me "all" day.  The last two Thursdays I have taken her to her regular baby-sitter so she could get back in the habit of being away from me, but even that was for less time than on a normal teaching day.  We are also in the midst of going "nap-free" because Lilly quit wanting to go to bed at a decent time.  (I might re-instate it, though.  She gets pretty raunchy about 3:00 in the afternoon.)  I know all this transitioning has been rough on her.  We were about to put her into a "big girl" (toddler) bed right before we got the final prognosis, but it was suggested to us, for Lilly's stability, to not make any BIG changes to her regular routine.  That would have been a pretty big one, so we put the bed back out in the shed and she just stayed in her crib.  But we think she is ready now.  She has actually slept on the floor (thanks for introducing that concept to her, Lizzy!) the last three nights and done really well with it, so I think the bed will be less of a worrisome transition than I thought.  Anyway, I have digressed quite a bit...

So I am planning on being really open with my students about Stella.  I know that many of them were just as excited about me having a baby as one of my own children would have been.  I got some really sweet notes from them after I went back to school.  One of my students is on the autism spectrum.  His note to me included this phrase:  "I'm sorry for the inconvenience of losing your daughter."  It made me laugh and cry at the same time!  But I want my students to know that I am OK and they can be OK, too.  

I want them to talk about her, ask about her.  I know in their 9/10-year old minds, death is still a hard concept to grasp (heck, it's hard for me to grasp at 31!), and I don't want them to be scared of it.  I want them to know that I love Stella and I love them.  I want them to know that it OK to cry, and it's OK if the questions they ask make me cry.  I need to mourn with them, too!  I look forward to showing them pictures of her.  I want to read them our story.  

I want to get a photo book done soon, so I can tell the whole story of her beautiful coming and birth!  Wow, this post is turning a lot harder than I thought.  I think I'm due for another good cry!  Thanks for being here with me.  

I love you, Stella.  I have to move on without you, again.  It sucks.  As much as I wouldn't want to be leaving you today, I wish that I could give you a kiss and a hug before I went back to work and know that I could see you when I got home.  I wish that I was having to go into the closet to pump so you would have milk to drink tomorrow.  I wish...   It would make it a whole lot more worth it.  

Firsts

Today is a day of firsts:

It started with my first morning without Pret having slept with me since coming home from the hospital (it was good thing, not a negative first, just observing a milestone).

My first pampering:  a fun morning of cute toe nails with my sisters.

My first run.

My first time going to Stella's grave.


It is just over a mile from our house to the West Jordan Cemetery where Stella is buried.  It was a heavily weighed decision to bury her there and now Pret and I are so glad that we did.  Pret drives by it daily on his way to/from work and I now know that I can run to it whenever I want or feel the need to be there.

I didn't know how I would feel running for the first time, but I was thankfully able to get right back into the rhythm of it.  My rhythm wasn't fast, but it was pretty steady.  I loaded my iPod with songs that have recently come to mean quite a bit to me and those that I have loved for years, so I was prepared to have an emotional run.

It felt wonderful to use my body again and push myself physically and even emotionally.  I started crying just a block away from my house and cried off an on then through the rest of the run.  Very cathartic.  To just let it go.

When I got there, I just slumped and let it out.  The rectangle of dirt was so small.  I know her casket was not very big, but seeing the dirt patch so small just reminded me of that.  She was SO SMALL!! So innocent and pure.  So loved!

I took a minute to walk around and see some of the other loved people buried near her.  There is a child who only lived for two days-I am sure their young spirits will enjoy visiting there together sometimes.  I may have to leave a note for those parents some time--just to let them know I feel their grief and pain.  There are a few other "young" people buried around there as well.  A lot of sorrow there.  I definitely feel a new kind of solemnity being there that I have never felt before.

It was rather late in the day light when I left (about 4:20), so the sun was just finishing its day as I was walking around.  I took a moment to just stand in it and feel the warmth and peace that it brought.  I allowed myself to just feel--everything.  It was a powerful moment.  There were tears, but I don't know that they were attached to any ONE emotion.  And I just let them come.  And it was wonderful.

I started back.  Songs had passed, bringing their own emotion, and I was to some that I just kind of threw on the iPod on a whim.  They saved me!  I ran with new feeling.  Seriously, I know I wasn't running fast, but it felt like I had an electrical pulse moving through me and giving me an indescribable energy.  I felt as though I had just run a marathon and was pushing to make it to the very last stretch.  I have loved one song, in particular, since I first heard it years ago.  It will be my "savior" song for a while.  So much so that I want to write to the composer and let him know what it did for me.

This is also one of my first typings of my emotions.  I am working through hand-writing the story of Stella's life and the days following.  It is slow, but I feel good about it.  I want to get it written, then I will get it typed.  So look for it at some point here, but for now, I will share the little moments here.