Broke

I don't know how I will make it work, but I really want to have the titles of my posts, for the most part, be only ONE word.  I think I decided that when I was running that first day and knew the title would be "Firsts."  And even as I have contemplated writing this post, I have gone back and forth between BROKE and BROKEN.  I think that Broken is more grammatically correct, but BROKE just feels better.  So there.

I mentioned in my last post that my necklace broke.  Here is the background:

My cousin and his wife lost their oldest son to a brain tumor 9 years ago and I know that she got a necklace that she wears often (daily, even?) in remembrance of and connection to him.  I like that idea a lot and at that point I didn't know if I would have to be separated from Stella while she was in a NICU, etc., so I started thinking of something I could have that could be a "connection" for us.  

I have to go in and get the diamond in my ring checked every six months.  It comes up in April and October.  So I actually went in a little late and wasn't there until the first week of November, so I had an idea of what may be coming up with Stella.  While I waited for my ring to be checked and cleaned, I took a few minutes to look at the displays.  I saw that necklace and knew then and there that is what I wanted.  I didn't even look at the price, but I memorized the necklace.  I knew I wanted it.  I told Pret about it sometime soon after that and said if anything happened, I wanted to get that necklace.  

The morning after we got the preliminary potential diagnosis, I couldn't go back to sleep after Pret got up to go to the gym (about 4:30.)  I laid awake for a while and finally decided to look up the necklace to send a picture to Pret and remind him again that I wanted to get it.  I am so glad I did.  That afternoon, we finalized the plans for her birth (more about that later), and when Pret called to tell me about it, he told me me he was going to get the necklace for me that day.

I am so glad that he did.  I needed that strength and connection to make it though.  I am a fidgety person anyway, so when I would start to get nervous/sad discussing all the plans, it was nice to have something tangible to occupy my hands, but also my thoughts.  I know that doesn't necessarily make sense, but hopefully you can understand anyway.  I cried as he gave it to me and kept it very close to my heart.  

I wore it during delivery and labor and those pictures are the only time I took it off.  Pret gave me beautiful earrings for Christmas to wear with my pearls that he gave me for our wedding.  For New Year's Eve, I wanted to wear the earrings, but didn't want to take my necklace off to wear the pearls.  Thankfully, the sweater I wore hid my footprints necklace, so I sneakily wore both necklaces.  

I have debated about wearing other jewelry sets since then, but I haven't wanted to take off my necklace.  I was given another necklace by another "angel mom" that has a little "s" on it that I have thought about wearing, but I still didn't want to take off my "feet."  I thought about and had even planned to tell my students about my necklace on Thursday, but after they had left and I was playing with my necklace, I realized that I forgot.  I figured someone would notice it and ask about it at some point, so I would just bring it up then.  

So Thursday night, I was playing with Lilly (did I mention that it was a beautiful night?), holding her around my waist and having her fall back.  Well, at one point, she grabbed as she was falling back and happened to grab my necklace.  The chain is very delicate, so it didn't take much to snap it.  A tiny piece of my heart snapped as well.  I wanted to start crying, kind of.  I was sad, for sure, but I didn't want Lilly to think that she had done something wrong (it was absolutely an accident), and I don't want her to think that Stella is any more important than her.  So, I carefully got the pendant and ring (that I added after Stella held it in her hand (see picture below)) and placed them on the counter and went on playing and laughing with Lilly.  

I haven't cried about it yet and I am not sure that I will.  Friday, I didn't want to be without it, so I put the pendant and ring in my pocket so I still had it.  The chain is still where I put it after taking it off.  I will get it fixed, I am just not sure when.  The pendent and ring are on the counter where I can see them.  They are great reminders and a great connection, but the true connection is in my heart.  I know that.  I know that I will have that forever, where this necklace could break again.  It is not forever.  I need my emotional and spiritual connections to stay strong.  They are what will bring me through.  They are my strength.  

Today, I wore my purple earrings to church.  I hate purple, but it is the color we associated with Stella, so it will always have a very UNIQUE place in my heart.  So I still have my little things.  

I am not broken.  Neither is my connection with Stella.  Neither is my connection with God.