Girls

Naomi Jane joined our family on Monday, November 17th in quite a grand way.  Eventually, you will be able to read her birth story on our other blog, but I need to get this entry done first.

Naomi Jane (photo used with permission)

For some background, ever since we knew we were pregnant, Lilly has been convinced that "this baby" was going to be a girl.  We couldn't blame her, as she kind of missed the opportunity to have a sister with Stella.  But we were not convinced.  We were SO SURE that this baby was going to be a boy.  Every once in a while, Lilly would give in to the idea that it could be a boy, but even down to her leaving the delivery room on the way to a friend's house right before Naomi was born, she still said, "I think it's a sister."  Ultimately, we knew that there would be someone in our family who would be "disappointed" by the outcome of this birth...

I had prepared the "nursery" a few weeks ago, getting out all the boy clothes that my sister had passed on to me, washing them, putting them in the drawers, etc.  I did buy a new girl's outfit "just in case" to have at the hospital, but I really didn't think that I would need it--I had even thought about how I could pass it on to someone else explaining that it was new, I had just washed it...  In other words, I KNEW it was going to be a boy (I did know where the girl stuff was and that it would be easy to get to if we ended up needing it.)

When Pret first saw the gender of "new baby," he was truly speechless.  I was kind of in a fog during the delivery, but I do remember the midwife asking Pret to announce the gender and he didn't.  He literally had to get a second look to believe that Naomi was a girl.  He told me later, that while I was in labor, he wished for the first time that we had decided to find out the gender.  :/  (It is yet to be determined whether we will find out with our next child.)

While in the hospital, I didn't feel much sadness about Naomi being a girl.  I just loved her and was glad that she was healthy and I could hold her.  She was so wonderful and we were all so happy she was finally here.  Coming home was a bit of a different story.  My sister, mother, and mother-in-law had pulled out the newborn girl clothes and washed and folded them.  But it was up to me to sort through them and switch them out for the boy clothes in the drawers.  Oh my goodness, that was hard.  I cried so often through that process.  And each time I found another item of boy-related something, the tears would come again.

Pret and I have discussed it--we KNOW that Naomi will never "replace" Stella; Stella has a unique and wonderful place in our family and hearts.  If this baby had been a boy, though, it would have provided us with a whole new experience--one we had NEVER had before.  We were looking forward to that opportunity.  So there was, and still is, a small measure of disappointment that we do not have that opportunity...yet.  Hopefully we will feel emotionally and physically ready at some point to try again for that opportunity.

Sunday, though, again, brought up a rough time for me; sadly one that I am sure will be reoccurring.  It was a night full of baby blues.  I have found that the evenings are the worst as far as getting emotional regarding EVERYTHING.  So I was feeling overwhelmed with motherhood in general and I realized that I just needed hugs from my girls.  So I found Lilly and just hugged her big and hard--trying to exchange love with her.  It filled my cup a portion of the way.  Then I was able to hold Naomi and do the same with her.  But I realized at that moment that I couldn't hug ALL my GIRLS!  I was crushed.  I wanted to hug Stella so badly!  I wanted to remember her cute squashed nose, hold her perfect little hands and kiss her over and over again.  But I know I can't.  Not on this earth again.

A few weeks ago, I asked Pret for a blessing.  I had been having a rough day and just needed some words of comfort and to know that Heavenly Father recognized my pain and was there for me.  I felt better after, but also recognized the reality of the situation in that my grief will never be complete.  Pret said as much in the blessing, that there would be hard days in the future.  I am glad that I had that "warning" so I can acknowledge my grief and be with it and be OK with it!

The rest of the night was a blubbery mess.  As I was singing songs with Lilly, I really struggled with "Families Can Be Together Forever."  The first line of the first verse, says, "I have a family here on earth."  That is very true; I have a wonderful family here on earth.  But I also have some family up in heaven.  I am very keenly aware of that each time I sing the song.  In fact, as I sing it, I try to figure out how I can write another verse that talks about living again with those that are already in heaven.  I'll let you know if I ever get that figured out.

I am sure that these feelings of wanting my "girls" will come and multiple times in my life.  I don't really look forward to those moments.  I will always love ALL my GIRLS!  They will always be a part of my life.  I am so grateful that Lilly had the opportunity to meet Stella so she knows the she has another sister.  I look forward to sharing Stella with Naomi (although, I know that they got to spend lots of time together before Naomi came to be with us--it will be like meeting a familiar face for her.)

Yesterday, as we were talking about Christmas and figuring out how to hang our stockings, it was weird to think that we are now a family of FIVE!  Although most people (obviously not you!) will look at us and see a family of four, I am blessed to know that eternally we are more.

Lilly drew this picture about a week before Naomi was born.  At first, it was just Mommy (with "new baby" in her tummy), Daddy, and Lilly.  I asked her if that was everyone and immediately she realized she needed to add Stella.  So she drew the blue sky for heaven and then added Stella in her pretty dress.  I think I will frame this picture and put it up in the nursery after I am done with having it on the fridge.