It started with my first morning without Pret having slept with me since coming home from the hospital (it was good thing, not a negative first, just observing a milestone).
My first pampering: a fun morning of cute toe nails with my sisters.
My first run.
My first time going to Stella's grave.
It is just over a mile from our house to the West Jordan Cemetery where Stella is buried. It was a heavily weighed decision to bury her there and now Pret and I are so glad that we did. Pret drives by it daily on his way to/from work and I now know that I can run to it whenever I want or feel the need to be there.
I didn't know how I would feel running for the first time, but I was thankfully able to get right back into the rhythm of it. My rhythm wasn't fast, but it was pretty steady. I loaded my iPod with songs that have recently come to mean quite a bit to me and those that I have loved for years, so I was prepared to have an emotional run.
It felt wonderful to use my body again and push myself physically and even emotionally. I started crying just a block away from my house and cried off an on then through the rest of the run. Very cathartic. To just let it go.
When I got there, I just slumped and let it out. The rectangle of dirt was so small. I know her casket was not very big, but seeing the dirt patch so small just reminded me of that. She was SO SMALL!! So innocent and pure. So loved!
I took a minute to walk around and see some of the other loved people buried near her. There is a child who only lived for two days-I am sure their young spirits will enjoy visiting there together sometimes. I may have to leave a note for those parents some time--just to let them know I feel their grief and pain. There are a few other "young" people buried around there as well. A lot of sorrow there. I definitely feel a new kind of solemnity being there that I have never felt before.
It was rather late in the day light when I left (about 4:20), so the sun was just finishing its day as I was walking around. I took a moment to just stand in it and feel the warmth and peace that it brought. I allowed myself to just feel--everything. It was a powerful moment. There were tears, but I don't know that they were attached to any ONE emotion. And I just let them come. And it was wonderful.
I started back. Songs had passed, bringing their own emotion, and I was to some that I just kind of threw on the iPod on a whim. They saved me! I ran with new feeling. Seriously, I know I wasn't running fast, but it felt like I had an electrical pulse moving through me and giving me an indescribable energy. I felt as though I had just run a marathon and was pushing to make it to the very last stretch. I have loved one song, in particular, since I first heard it years ago. It will be my "savior" song for a while. So much so that I want to write to the composer and let him know what it did for me.
This is also one of my first typings of my emotions. I am working through hand-writing the story of Stella's life and the days following. It is slow, but I feel good about it. I want to get it written, then I will get it typed. So look for it at some point here, but for now, I will share the little moments here.
Megan, Thankyou for sharing this with us. Knowing of such a beautiful baby girl and her mothers love. It touches the heart and soul.
ReplyDeleteBack in my day when we lost Jeremy , ( He was still born at term) I didnt get to hold him, or have the option to bury him , they held him up, then took him away! We have no grave to visit and that breaks my heart. We tried planting a tree in his honor in our back yard ..it died so it was a painful reminder. We did not have the internet or blogs, no support groups. But I did have awesome parents and friends who knew the right things to do to help us get through. And I had my awesome husband who grieved differently than me, I later came to find out he did his crying while he was out running so I wouldnt know. I later told him I wished Id known sooner because for a while I thought he never cried about loosing his son. And our testimonies of the gospel kept us moving forward, giving us a goal to look forward to. I did write Jeremys story in my journal, and every little detail I could remember of his birth and days that followed and that was cathartic . I kept writing about the ups and downs,and the mile stones. And every birthday I wrote him a letter. that I keep in a special place. I think I told you before that we celebrate his birthday every year and have a balloon release to send wishes to heaven to him. I wish you all the best with your blog and with your healing.
ReplyDeleteI love your entry Megan and times like this I realize how blessed we are to have wonderful daughter-in-laws in our family. What a blessing to be able to express yourself so uniquely and share the tender moments you have been through. Thank you! I love you!!!
ReplyDeleteI lobe this. Thank you for sharing your experience. Iknow for me the cemetery has become a place of peace, which seems strange but even with all its sadness it is one of my favorite places to be. I guess thats part of the "new" more somber me, ive become. And i bet the parents of the little one by yours would live to recieve a note from you. -Hugs-
ReplyDeleteMegan, I found your blog with Valeri's help. Thank you for sharing Stella and the tender experiences and feelings of your heart. So sorry for your loss. As I experienced some grief and loss, I've come to feel that love and grief are inseparably intertwined. Stella's life as she grew under your heart has left a deeply beloved imprint upon your soul and upon your family and loved ones. Such a powerful, and precious tiny blessing of a girl.
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