Motions

It has been a while since I have had a day when I feel like I am just going through the motions.  I hope that I can break out of it for today, but right now it doesn't feel like it.

Today started out really great.  Today was the "Running With Angels" run at Thanksgiving Point.  It was an absolutely perfect, beautiful day for a run.  I hope all those running the Ogden Marathon today felt the same way for their race.  Anyway, I felt good the whole time, smiled every time I saw purple tulips and had some fun conversations with Lilly.  It was also awesome to see so many people rallying behind so many angels.  I hope to get a team together next year honoring all the young angels of people I know.  We'll see how ambitious I get with a 6-month old!  At least I know I'll be able to run a 5K at that point.

Since I was already out and about and didn't have anything more pressing than housework and a shower to get home to, I decided that I would swing by IMC and finally pick up the hand and feet molds that had been done of Stella.  They called about a week after her birth and told me they were done, but I just had not made the time to go get them yet.  So today would be the day that I would do lots of things for Stella!

As I went into the maternity ward, I felt fine.  No painful flashbacks, just a peacefulness that was there.  The receptionist had stepped away for a moment, so the solo nurse asked me to sit for a minute.  That is when I took a moment to look around.  I saw the sign that showed where our room was located.  I remembered that they had put us back around the corner so we wouldn't be so disturbed by the main flow.  And I started remembering...  I had to take a deep breath.  I wanted to cry, but I didn't.

The receptionist returned and the nurse went to go get the molds.  She was very kind and noticed the bib I was wearing and asked about what I had been up to.  I explained about the run and she noted how hard it was on both ends of the events.  Hard for the family, but equally hard for the nurses.  I can only imagine.  She was very kind and tender and offered me love on my way when the nurse returned with the boxes.

I quickly returned to the car, as I had left Lilly waiting in the car (don't judge or call the cops on me, please).  I wanted to see them, though.  Lilly was quietly playing with my phone, so I took a moment to open the boxes and just be with Stella's little hands and feet.  I will share pictures in another post.  But I just remembered holding her precious hands and never wanting to let go.  They were so tiny and white and perfect.  I loved them so much!  I love her so much! (Tears are pouring right now, just FYI).

I took just a moment to be with them and feel and grieve and cry.  I knew I needed to get moving again, though.  So I went through the motions of starting the car, putting it in gear, and putting it in the direction of home.  As I was driving, I realized that I was just kind of on autopilot.  I was truly just going through the motions.  Good thing I have 16 years of driving under my belt so I could get away with that.  :-)

Now, for one of the first times in a long time, I just want to take the day and cry.  Don't know that the tears will really come all day, and I have some great things to be looking forward to today, but I'm not sure how it will turn out.  I am just going to let it flow.  I know I have the right and the NEED to do it.  Every day does not have to be happy, but every day will be perfect for what it is meant to be.  I am grateful I recognize and understand that and have so many people who love and support me through knowing and understanding that as well.

Sometimes it's ok to just go through the motions.  It is what gets me through.