Due

The title of this post is in reference to many things...

It's here. With as easy as Christmas was, I didn't think that today would be so hard. 

Yesterday was hard, too. Pret and I had a wonderful time on our cruise. It was exactly what we needed. The time to relax and get away from the world was definitely due. And we enjoyed every minute of it. 

Leaving that freedom was harder than it's ever been. We are so excited to see Lilly again and that is about the only thing that is giving us any desire to be back home. 

As we were feeling sad about returning to reality, we realized it was largely because ever since we decided to do this cruise, it has given us something to look forward to--we could put off our grief and troubles. But as we are coming back, we recognize everything we have to face still. 

So we took a few moments to look through the pictures we had brought with us. We sat and we cried. We did it together. That mutual mourning was due. We have been very blessed as our relationship has been strengthened and deepened thus far and I think it only went further and deeper with that sharing. 

And today is the day that our little girl was due! 

Photo courtesy of Photos by WendyG (Thank you for a beautiful gift, Wendy!)

Most people who know us well know that Pret and I have boycotted Valentine's Day since we were engaged (even though Pret broke the rules that first year--he's a softy when it comes to giving presents). We have spent most V-Day nights with McDonalds and a Red Box movie (it seems like V-Day has been on a weekend night more often than normal since we've been married, so we have to be doing something for a date night, right?), which is exactly what we wanted-no more, no less. 

So when we found out that my due date was February 14th we were excited that we would finally have a reason to not have to celebrate Valentine's Day. But then we realized that it might be a curse on our child, especially if it was a boy. So then I started hoping for a birthday of 2-7-14 (wouldn't that have been an awesome birthday?)  That would only be a week early, which would not be unreasonable considering I was three days early with Lilly. So in a way, I started to just not plan on having my baby on Valentine's Day. Good thing, huh! :)

After everything had passed in December, we tried to think of what we could do for different days to honor Stella. We have decided we will celebrate her birthday in December with angel food cake and star gazer lilies. And we will have Valentine's Day be our day of "Family Love" where we spend the day as a family. And maybe even go to her grave. We probably won't do flowers that day, though! 

I knew another lady in my ward was due around the same time as me so when I ran into her toward the beginning of January, I asked her about it and she told me she was due Feb. 14th. I tried to keep the smile on my face but it was hiding pain. I knew she was even having a girl. They would have been friends! I don't think she knew that was the same day Stella was due and I didn't want to take away her joy, so I didn't say anything.  Talking to her a few weeks ago I was able to express my excitement to her, though. I will have to hold and snuggle that little girl lots and lots!

I knew today would be hard after yesterday. I so appreciate those who have remembered and given wishes of love already. On the way to the airport this morning, we were riding with an older couple whose flight yesterday had been cancelled due to the storm. They were sad because their daughter was due to deliver their grandchild this morning and the wife was planning on being there with her daughter. It was really hard, but I was able to share in their joy and their sadness. All I could tell them was to hold and hug that baby lots. That's all I can tell anyone right now!

I will continue to cry off and on all day today. I am due for another happy-sad day. I like when they come. It helps me remember Stella. It helps me remember that I love her and that it's ok to be sad about her not being here. It helps Lilly know it's ok to be sad. It helps me remember and know that I am alive. It helps. 

I LOVE you, Stella. I know I don't need a special day to remember you, just like I don't need a day to tell me that I love your dad, but I am glad I have a day that I can devote to remembering my love for you!

Desire

Yesterday (Wednesday, since in my head and I haven't gone to sleep and it is therefor still Thursday even though it is not almost 30 minutes into Friday), I was ready to quit my job.  Everything was just too much.  I have not had many days like that (I can think of three other teaching days, and two days post-Stella), but yesterday was a doosy.  I didn't want to teach anymore.  Yep, turn in a letter and not go back until after school was out.

I didn't, though.  I did call an emotional safety night (amidst tears of sadness, fear, and a little bit of guilt) and told Pret that we were going out to dinner.  We went to Subway.  And it was wonderful.  I got to spend time with Pret and Lilly, and even thought about Stella. I came home and read my book and watched some movie with Stella.  I took time for myself.

This morning (Thursday), I got down on my knees and prayed.  I prayed for a desire to want to go to school/work.  I know I didn't want to.  So I knew I needed to just have a desire to want to.  You know, like Alma 32:27, where you just have to desire to believe, not even believe, to have your faith blossom.

Thankfully, that desire was given and I was able to get up and go.  And it was a good day.  I think it would have been better if it was not the last day of school before a 3-day weekend for my students.  All the teachers I talked to said their classes were crazy.

I know that I had a little angel helping me out today.  I knew I needed her help.  I wore the "other" necklace--the one with the "S" on it, just to help me out.

Do you need help?  Do you need to just have a "desire?"  Seek after that, for, like me, it might be all you can do!

(P.S.  In 24 hours, I'll be in Florida!  Eep!)