Broke

I don't know how I will make it work, but I really want to have the titles of my posts, for the most part, be only ONE word.  I think I decided that when I was running that first day and knew the title would be "Firsts."  And even as I have contemplated writing this post, I have gone back and forth between BROKE and BROKEN.  I think that Broken is more grammatically correct, but BROKE just feels better.  So there.

I mentioned in my last post that my necklace broke.  Here is the background:

My cousin and his wife lost their oldest son to a brain tumor 9 years ago and I know that she got a necklace that she wears often (daily, even?) in remembrance of and connection to him.  I like that idea a lot and at that point I didn't know if I would have to be separated from Stella while she was in a NICU, etc., so I started thinking of something I could have that could be a "connection" for us.  

I have to go in and get the diamond in my ring checked every six months.  It comes up in April and October.  So I actually went in a little late and wasn't there until the first week of November, so I had an idea of what may be coming up with Stella.  While I waited for my ring to be checked and cleaned, I took a few minutes to look at the displays.  I saw that necklace and knew then and there that is what I wanted.  I didn't even look at the price, but I memorized the necklace.  I knew I wanted it.  I told Pret about it sometime soon after that and said if anything happened, I wanted to get that necklace.  

The morning after we got the preliminary potential diagnosis, I couldn't go back to sleep after Pret got up to go to the gym (about 4:30.)  I laid awake for a while and finally decided to look up the necklace to send a picture to Pret and remind him again that I wanted to get it.  I am so glad I did.  That afternoon, we finalized the plans for her birth (more about that later), and when Pret called to tell me about it, he told me me he was going to get the necklace for me that day.

I am so glad that he did.  I needed that strength and connection to make it though.  I am a fidgety person anyway, so when I would start to get nervous/sad discussing all the plans, it was nice to have something tangible to occupy my hands, but also my thoughts.  I know that doesn't necessarily make sense, but hopefully you can understand anyway.  I cried as he gave it to me and kept it very close to my heart.  

I wore it during delivery and labor and those pictures are the only time I took it off.  Pret gave me beautiful earrings for Christmas to wear with my pearls that he gave me for our wedding.  For New Year's Eve, I wanted to wear the earrings, but didn't want to take my necklace off to wear the pearls.  Thankfully, the sweater I wore hid my footprints necklace, so I sneakily wore both necklaces.  

I have debated about wearing other jewelry sets since then, but I haven't wanted to take off my necklace.  I was given another necklace by another "angel mom" that has a little "s" on it that I have thought about wearing, but I still didn't want to take off my "feet."  I thought about and had even planned to tell my students about my necklace on Thursday, but after they had left and I was playing with my necklace, I realized that I forgot.  I figured someone would notice it and ask about it at some point, so I would just bring it up then.  

So Thursday night, I was playing with Lilly (did I mention that it was a beautiful night?), holding her around my waist and having her fall back.  Well, at one point, she grabbed as she was falling back and happened to grab my necklace.  The chain is very delicate, so it didn't take much to snap it.  A tiny piece of my heart snapped as well.  I wanted to start crying, kind of.  I was sad, for sure, but I didn't want Lilly to think that she had done something wrong (it was absolutely an accident), and I don't want her to think that Stella is any more important than her.  So, I carefully got the pendant and ring (that I added after Stella held it in her hand (see picture below)) and placed them on the counter and went on playing and laughing with Lilly.  

I haven't cried about it yet and I am not sure that I will.  Friday, I didn't want to be without it, so I put the pendant and ring in my pocket so I still had it.  The chain is still where I put it after taking it off.  I will get it fixed, I am just not sure when.  The pendent and ring are on the counter where I can see them.  They are great reminders and a great connection, but the true connection is in my heart.  I know that.  I know that I will have that forever, where this necklace could break again.  It is not forever.  I need my emotional and spiritual connections to stay strong.  They are what will bring me through.  They are my strength.  

Today, I wore my purple earrings to church.  I hate purple, but it is the color we associated with Stella, so it will always have a very UNIQUE place in my heart.  So I still have my little things.  

I am not broken.  Neither is my connection with Stella.  Neither is my connection with God.   

Back, Part 2

I knew before I wrote the post yesterday that I wanted it to be two parts, hence the title even then.  Now it might be three parts, depending on how things go today.

It was a whirlwind when I got there in the morning, with trying to get caught up on where my class was in each subject, etc.  And I'll admit, when the bell rang, I had a twinge of nerves run through me.  All day, I felt like I was just a 1/2 step behind in being prepared for what came next, but the students were really forgiving with everything and it all worked out ok.

As the students came in, many of them gave me hugs, or an enthusiastic "HI!"  It warmed my heart immensely.  Then, a parent walked in carrying a beautiful bouquet of flowers.  That's when I started crying.  It meant a lot to me that she marked that rough day with a thing of beauty and love.  Sharing with the students went well.  They were all really excited to see the pictures of Stella.  I didn't tell them that she was dead by the time those pictures were taken--I didn't figure they needed to know that little detail.  I'm sure most figured she was just sleeping.

The day went by pretty well.  The particular child that I mentioned in my post yesterday morning had a big of a rough day--that was the one thing that I couldn't face.  I know that if my frustration gets too high, the tears will come.  So I am not pushing myself and I thankfully have a wonderful staff to support me in this.  I know I am starting at a point of being on top of things--I hope I can stay that way.  I hate the feeling of being behind!

The day ended perfectly!  Lilly was an absolute doll last night.  I picked her up with the intention of going out again for a few different things, but we just stayed home in the end.  We played, we read, we watched some shows, I made an easy (although it was healthy!) dinner that we both enjoyed, and she went to bed with no complaints (still on the floor, though).  The only downfall of the night was that my necklace broke.  More on that later....

Now I am going to be late to school today if I don't get this published and on my way!

Back, part 1

Today I go back.  Back to work.  I think I am feeling ok.  I have a little pit in my stomach and I have been up since 4:00, but I AM OK.

One of the things I worry most about is Lilly.  This will be the first time that she will have been away from me "all" day.  The last two Thursdays I have taken her to her regular baby-sitter so she could get back in the habit of being away from me, but even that was for less time than on a normal teaching day.  We are also in the midst of going "nap-free" because Lilly quit wanting to go to bed at a decent time.  (I might re-instate it, though.  She gets pretty raunchy about 3:00 in the afternoon.)  I know all this transitioning has been rough on her.  We were about to put her into a "big girl" (toddler) bed right before we got the final prognosis, but it was suggested to us, for Lilly's stability, to not make any BIG changes to her regular routine.  That would have been a pretty big one, so we put the bed back out in the shed and she just stayed in her crib.  But we think she is ready now.  She has actually slept on the floor (thanks for introducing that concept to her, Lizzy!) the last three nights and done really well with it, so I think the bed will be less of a worrisome transition than I thought.  Anyway, I have digressed quite a bit...

So I am planning on being really open with my students about Stella.  I know that many of them were just as excited about me having a baby as one of my own children would have been.  I got some really sweet notes from them after I went back to school.  One of my students is on the autism spectrum.  His note to me included this phrase:  "I'm sorry for the inconvenience of losing your daughter."  It made me laugh and cry at the same time!  But I want my students to know that I am OK and they can be OK, too.  

I want them to talk about her, ask about her.  I know in their 9/10-year old minds, death is still a hard concept to grasp (heck, it's hard for me to grasp at 31!), and I don't want them to be scared of it.  I want them to know that I love Stella and I love them.  I want them to know that it OK to cry, and it's OK if the questions they ask make me cry.  I need to mourn with them, too!  I look forward to showing them pictures of her.  I want to read them our story.  

I want to get a photo book done soon, so I can tell the whole story of her beautiful coming and birth!  Wow, this post is turning a lot harder than I thought.  I think I'm due for another good cry!  Thanks for being here with me.  

I love you, Stella.  I have to move on without you, again.  It sucks.  As much as I wouldn't want to be leaving you today, I wish that I could give you a kiss and a hug before I went back to work and know that I could see you when I got home.  I wish that I was having to go into the closet to pump so you would have milk to drink tomorrow.  I wish...   It would make it a whole lot more worth it.  

Firsts

Today is a day of firsts:

It started with my first morning without Pret having slept with me since coming home from the hospital (it was good thing, not a negative first, just observing a milestone).

My first pampering:  a fun morning of cute toe nails with my sisters.

My first run.

My first time going to Stella's grave.


It is just over a mile from our house to the West Jordan Cemetery where Stella is buried.  It was a heavily weighed decision to bury her there and now Pret and I are so glad that we did.  Pret drives by it daily on his way to/from work and I now know that I can run to it whenever I want or feel the need to be there.

I didn't know how I would feel running for the first time, but I was thankfully able to get right back into the rhythm of it.  My rhythm wasn't fast, but it was pretty steady.  I loaded my iPod with songs that have recently come to mean quite a bit to me and those that I have loved for years, so I was prepared to have an emotional run.

It felt wonderful to use my body again and push myself physically and even emotionally.  I started crying just a block away from my house and cried off an on then through the rest of the run.  Very cathartic.  To just let it go.

When I got there, I just slumped and let it out.  The rectangle of dirt was so small.  I know her casket was not very big, but seeing the dirt patch so small just reminded me of that.  She was SO SMALL!! So innocent and pure.  So loved!

I took a minute to walk around and see some of the other loved people buried near her.  There is a child who only lived for two days-I am sure their young spirits will enjoy visiting there together sometimes.  I may have to leave a note for those parents some time--just to let them know I feel their grief and pain.  There are a few other "young" people buried around there as well.  A lot of sorrow there.  I definitely feel a new kind of solemnity being there that I have never felt before.

It was rather late in the day light when I left (about 4:20), so the sun was just finishing its day as I was walking around.  I took a moment to just stand in it and feel the warmth and peace that it brought.  I allowed myself to just feel--everything.  It was a powerful moment.  There were tears, but I don't know that they were attached to any ONE emotion.  And I just let them come.  And it was wonderful.

I started back.  Songs had passed, bringing their own emotion, and I was to some that I just kind of threw on the iPod on a whim.  They saved me!  I ran with new feeling.  Seriously, I know I wasn't running fast, but it felt like I had an electrical pulse moving through me and giving me an indescribable energy.  I felt as though I had just run a marathon and was pushing to make it to the very last stretch.  I have loved one song, in particular, since I first heard it years ago.  It will be my "savior" song for a while.  So much so that I want to write to the composer and let him know what it did for me.

This is also one of my first typings of my emotions.  I am working through hand-writing the story of Stella's life and the days following.  It is slow, but I feel good about it.  I want to get it written, then I will get it typed.  So look for it at some point here, but for now, I will share the little moments here.