Story, Part 1

Where do I even begin?  There is so much to this story, I am not sure where to start.  I have written almost everything I can think of from the time we first found out there was something going on until about 10 days after Stella was born.  Now I just want to get it down here so it is somewhat "permanent" and also so that others may somehow benefit, as needed.

Stella Journal, vol. 1

It all began when I went in for my regularly scheduled ultrasound on Wednesday, October 2, 2013.  It was just a little over 20 weeks.  I wasn't in a hurry to get in for the ultrasound since we were not planning on finding out the gender of the little one, so it was nice and calm.  I had asked Brenda, my mother-in-law if she wanted to be there, so she met me up there.  I was excited and anxious to see the little one.  As we were chatting with the tech, Ambree, we soon realized that she was the roommate of Pret's lead charge nurse and our good friend, Naomi (yes, there is a correlation between her name and our daughter's...).  It was fun to connect with her.  As she was going, she pointed out to us that the baby was breech and wedged way down into my pelvis, which I had already realized.  Because of that, though, Ambree was not able to get a good view of the lower part of her abdomen.  She was pointing out a few other things, but I was pretty oblivious to any concerns that she may have been having.  At one point she left the room to go talk with the radiologist, but I didn't think much of it.  I remember calling Pret after and letting him know that there were 10 fingers and 10 toes, but that they couldn't see the bladder, etc.  He wasn't concerned at the time, either.

Friday, I got a call from my midwives' office.  My midwife let me know that during the ultrasound they had noticed some ascieties in the baby's abdomen.  She tried to explain that it was a pocket of fluid that shouldn't be there.  That, with the combined problems of not being able to see the cord insertion point and bladder, made it that they wanted me to go get a second ultrasound done at a Maternal Fetal Medicine clinic, which specializes in high-risk pregnancies.  She didn't make it seem all that urgent, but that I should try to get in there as soon as possible.  I called the MFM clinic and from what I had grasped, it wasn't so important that I needed to take a day off work or anything, so the soonest they could get me in was the week after Monday.  I called Pret and let him know what was going on.  Following our general personalities, he was more stressed than I was about the situation.  It just so happened that Ambree, completely out of the ordinary, was at the hospital where Pret worked that day and went to go visit Naomi.  Pret saw her and immediately asked her about what she had seen on the ultrasound.  She gave a few more details about it and Pret immediately started looking up what ascieties could indicate.

He found that it could be an indication of a few different pretty major things; Down Syndrome, Trisomy, and Cystic Fibrosis to name a few.  He called me later to let me know that he was really worried.  He wanted to try to get in sooner, but I couldn't really do anything about it.  Needless to say, we spent the next 10 days worrying and praying quite a bit.

We were pretty nervous going to the doctor that day, Monday, October 14th.  I don't even remember why she was here, now, but Melanie had come up for the weekend and we asked her to come with us to the appointment, just to have another knowledgeable person there and for support.

They started with some introductions.  The doctor we met on that day was Cara Hueser.  She is a professional pole dancer as well as being a MFM certified OB.  When I told my dad her name later that day, he let me know that he had met her at a concert of my cousin's band, MINX, a few years before and had photographed her.  Kind of a different turn of events.  Anyway, we also met the genetic counselor and another doctor that was doing some training.

They wanted to start out by doing the ultrasound and then they would go from there.  As the did it, they started to see the same things that we had seen before.  It was nice, though, to have someone pointing out what was seen.  The first things that the tech pointed out that were abnormal were the kidneys.  They were enlarged and misshapen.  It was also very difficult to see the ureters and we still couldn't see the genital area.  They looked for fluid in other areas--around the brain and the heart and other places, but they thankfully didn't see any.  They could see all four chamber of the heart and the heartbeat was mostly strong (there were a few murmurers, so they recommended me go see a fetal cardiologist).  The lungs looked ok as well.  At that time, there was also plenty of amniotic fluid.

All of those things left the doctor pretty baffled.  She didn't feel comfortable giving a diagnosis at that point.  She recommended that she take the case to her team, have them discuss it and then they would get back to us.  Also, to have some discussions with the genetic counselor to see what she might recommend.

We ultimately decided to do an amniocentesis to see if we could get any genetic clues to help with a diagnosis.  That was a really hard decision for me/us to make.  I had heard that amniocentesises could cause mis-carriages, were not comfortable for the baby, there was risk of hurting the baby, etc.  In the end, though, we knew we needed to determine what was wrong and this was the next big step.  It was not a fun procedure.  Even at that 22 weeks, when the needle (which was HUGE, I was definitely not a fan!) was inserted (they use ultrasound to direct the needle to the correct place, so we were able to watch the whole procedure.  I'm not sure I should have done that-it ended up being one of the most traumatizing things of the entire diagnostic/delivery process!!) hit my amniotic sac, the baby reacted and its hand popped up like it was raising its hand to ask a question.  It definitely proved to me that babies that young can feel things and have the mental brainwaves to process discomfort.  

Everything ended up being fine with the pregnancy after the amniocentesis, but I was still a little on edge for the next few days.  In fact, that is when I first started my journal to document this long journey because I had the feeling that things were going to be a bit crazy.  Blogs were all the rage at this point, and I knew that it helped me to get things out in writing, so I started documenting in a journal things related to this pregnancy.  

As I read through it this morning, I am realizing that the first thing was a blessing that Pret and Dan (my father-in-law) gave me that night.  It let me know that Heavenly Father was very aware of the situation we were in and that we would eventually find out His will, but that details were not to be revealed at this time (this was brought up two times!).  I was promised that I would not be harmed in the delivery of this baby; even that I would be blessed with an assurity and spiritual comfort of Heavenly Father's will. I would also be blessed against Satan's attacks of fear.  God's perfection and plan would be made known to us through this experience.  Also, Lilly is promised strength and miracles in her life because of the baby.  I was blessed with a gift of faith, even through referencing my Patriarchal Blessing, that will help me love and bless others in the future.  Also, the Holy Ghost would prompt ideas and thoughts that will help family and friends in the accepting of Heavenly Father's will.  This child will have a special purpose and destiny--through prayer we will have a better understanding of the Plan of Salvation.  I was blessed with patience and protection; stability as I connect with Heavenly Father and move forward with faith.  I was blessed that the baby would radiate through me and be a gift to others.  

Reading back on that, it is amazing to see how that blessing has played out.  What an amazing gift the priesthood is in my life.  

After the amniocentesis, they told us they would have the results in the next few weeks.  I remember I was at work when the geneticist called and I had to call her back on my lunch break.  She let me know that there were NO genetic abnormalities.  We were shocked!  What in the world was causing the ascieties and other problems?  She asked whether I wanted to know the gender and I gave in!  She let me know that it was a little girl.  That was crazy.  We would have to start thinking of little girl names!

Four

This post is dual in nature.

First, today is Stella's fourth birthday!!  So crazy that it has been that long.  She is still so present in our lives.  Lilly brings her up often and even Naomi is starting to recognize the cemetery where she is buried and that we look for "signs" of her:  beautiful sunrises and sunsets, things that are purple, fun/nice things that happen to our family, etc.  In fact, the other day, before I even had a chance to acknowledge it, Naomi pointed out a colorful sunrise and said, "Stella is saying hi!"

Second, we have FOUR girls!  That's right, Rebecca (Bex) Kris Dahlgren was born September 3.  Pret literally laughed when he saw that it was another girl.  She has beautiful dark hair like Lilly and Stella, and is going to end up with hazel eyes, I'm pretty sure.  She has a very sweet disposition and is already letting us know that she wants to be heard--she sings along with lullabies and carries on conversations--even more than she likes to smile.  She brings a lot of love and joy to our family.

Temple

I know it's been a really long time since I have posted on here.  I have a few things that I should probably share, but the experiences from yesterday were wonderful and I want to remember them.

I missed out on going to the Ogden temple open house because I had the flu and I didn't make it down to Payson because, well, I was pregnant again and didn't feel like trying to wrestle with a 3-year old through a reverent place like that.

Having a bit more of a personal connection with the Provo City Center temple (I attended a few Stake Conferences there, including hearing Sherri Dew speak to us), I knew I wanted to make an effort to make it.  I asked Pret if he had any burning desire to go, and he didn't, so I decided I would venture on my own.  I had the day off yesterday, so that's when I planned to go.

Our friend Greg was in town, so he decided to go with us.  I am so glad he did--he helped "entertain" and distract Lilly to keep her happy through it all.  About 3 blocks from our house, I realized that I had totally forgotten to feed my girls breakfast (I had eaten earlier with Pret and I am just used to dropping them off at the babysitter and having her feed them when I am leaving early in the morning like that).  Major WHOOPS!  I let Lilly know that I was super sorry, but we would have to wait until after the open house because Greg had somewhere to be by a certain time and we were already running that.  To add to it, the weather was a bit crazy getting down there, but I think that added to the beauty of the day.

It started, as most open house tours now do, with a video explaining the significance of the temples and why they are so important to our worship.  (If you are not LDS/Mormon and want to know more about this, click here.)  In the video, they interviewed people asking them why the temple was important to them.  The first couple that was shown had lost a young daughter.  They spoke of going to the temple before some medical procedures she had gone through and feeling comfort and peace after being reminded of the Plan of Salvation.  As they were talking, Lilly, who was sitting next to me, reached over and grabbed my hand.  I don't even know if she realized what they were talking about, but I do know that the Spirit touched her at that moment.

Just the night before she had mentioned that she missed Stella.  I asked her why she would want her here and she said she wished she could play with her.  Lilly and Naomi have really started to actually "play" with each other, so I can imagine that Lilly wonders what it would be like to have Stella around to play with.  We spent just a few moments talking about Stella and it was a sweet moment to have shared.

During the video, Naomi starting acting up (I also happened to leave her binkie in the car--major mom fail #2), so I took her to the back of the room.  After the lights went back on, she was fine.  And as we moved through the temple, she was fine.  It was fun to be able to show Lilly some of the things in the temple.  The temple itself was beautiful!  I especially loved the painted walls in the "instruction rooms."  Stunning!  When we got to the Celestial Room, Lilly immediately noticed the very large chandelier.  She pointed it out to Naomi, who started gibbering right away.  Now, Naomi, like many infants, has always had a thing for lights, but she even verges on being obsessed with them.  We have some tap-on lights that she loves to play with, she loves turning switches on and off, and she just loves noticing the lights wherever we go.  So, it wasn't surprising that she enjoyed the chandeliers, but it was significant to me that she wouldn't stop noticing them and even talking about them the whole time we were in that room.  Makes me wondering if the chandelier wasn't the only thing in the top part of that room.

I know that neither of these little things had anything specifically to do with Stella, but it made me know that she was near and watching out for her sisters.  We are blessed to have such a strong, valiant  spirit watching out for and fighting for our family on the other side.  She has been very protective of our family the last little bit.  We have called on her and she has responded.

The temple is a place where I know I can always go when I need to feel especially near to her spirit.  I am grateful, again, that I was able to take my girls to the temple.  I look forward to the time when I can be with them inside as we are all doing work for those on the other side.  Keep up your work on that side, Stella--we'll do our best down here!

Greg, Lilly, me and Naomi

Girls

Naomi Jane joined our family on Monday, November 17th in quite a grand way.  Eventually, you will be able to read her birth story on our other blog, but I need to get this entry done first.

Naomi Jane (photo used with permission)

For some background, ever since we knew we were pregnant, Lilly has been convinced that "this baby" was going to be a girl.  We couldn't blame her, as she kind of missed the opportunity to have a sister with Stella.  But we were not convinced.  We were SO SURE that this baby was going to be a boy.  Every once in a while, Lilly would give in to the idea that it could be a boy, but even down to her leaving the delivery room on the way to a friend's house right before Naomi was born, she still said, "I think it's a sister."  Ultimately, we knew that there would be someone in our family who would be "disappointed" by the outcome of this birth...

I had prepared the "nursery" a few weeks ago, getting out all the boy clothes that my sister had passed on to me, washing them, putting them in the drawers, etc.  I did buy a new girl's outfit "just in case" to have at the hospital, but I really didn't think that I would need it--I had even thought about how I could pass it on to someone else explaining that it was new, I had just washed it...  In other words, I KNEW it was going to be a boy (I did know where the girl stuff was and that it would be easy to get to if we ended up needing it.)

When Pret first saw the gender of "new baby," he was truly speechless.  I was kind of in a fog during the delivery, but I do remember the midwife asking Pret to announce the gender and he didn't.  He literally had to get a second look to believe that Naomi was a girl.  He told me later, that while I was in labor, he wished for the first time that we had decided to find out the gender.  :/  (It is yet to be determined whether we will find out with our next child.)

While in the hospital, I didn't feel much sadness about Naomi being a girl.  I just loved her and was glad that she was healthy and I could hold her.  She was so wonderful and we were all so happy she was finally here.  Coming home was a bit of a different story.  My sister, mother, and mother-in-law had pulled out the newborn girl clothes and washed and folded them.  But it was up to me to sort through them and switch them out for the boy clothes in the drawers.  Oh my goodness, that was hard.  I cried so often through that process.  And each time I found another item of boy-related something, the tears would come again.

Pret and I have discussed it--we KNOW that Naomi will never "replace" Stella; Stella has a unique and wonderful place in our family and hearts.  If this baby had been a boy, though, it would have provided us with a whole new experience--one we had NEVER had before.  We were looking forward to that opportunity.  So there was, and still is, a small measure of disappointment that we do not have that opportunity...yet.  Hopefully we will feel emotionally and physically ready at some point to try again for that opportunity.

Sunday, though, again, brought up a rough time for me; sadly one that I am sure will be reoccurring.  It was a night full of baby blues.  I have found that the evenings are the worst as far as getting emotional regarding EVERYTHING.  So I was feeling overwhelmed with motherhood in general and I realized that I just needed hugs from my girls.  So I found Lilly and just hugged her big and hard--trying to exchange love with her.  It filled my cup a portion of the way.  Then I was able to hold Naomi and do the same with her.  But I realized at that moment that I couldn't hug ALL my GIRLS!  I was crushed.  I wanted to hug Stella so badly!  I wanted to remember her cute squashed nose, hold her perfect little hands and kiss her over and over again.  But I know I can't.  Not on this earth again.

A few weeks ago, I asked Pret for a blessing.  I had been having a rough day and just needed some words of comfort and to know that Heavenly Father recognized my pain and was there for me.  I felt better after, but also recognized the reality of the situation in that my grief will never be complete.  Pret said as much in the blessing, that there would be hard days in the future.  I am glad that I had that "warning" so I can acknowledge my grief and be with it and be OK with it!

The rest of the night was a blubbery mess.  As I was singing songs with Lilly, I really struggled with "Families Can Be Together Forever."  The first line of the first verse, says, "I have a family here on earth."  That is very true; I have a wonderful family here on earth.  But I also have some family up in heaven.  I am very keenly aware of that each time I sing the song.  In fact, as I sing it, I try to figure out how I can write another verse that talks about living again with those that are already in heaven.  I'll let you know if I ever get that figured out.

I am sure that these feelings of wanting my "girls" will come and multiple times in my life.  I don't really look forward to those moments.  I will always love ALL my GIRLS!  They will always be a part of my life.  I am so grateful that Lilly had the opportunity to meet Stella so she knows the she has another sister.  I look forward to sharing Stella with Naomi (although, I know that they got to spend lots of time together before Naomi came to be with us--it will be like meeting a familiar face for her.)

Yesterday, as we were talking about Christmas and figuring out how to hang our stockings, it was weird to think that we are now a family of FIVE!  Although most people (obviously not you!) will look at us and see a family of four, I am blessed to know that eternally we are more.

Lilly drew this picture about a week before Naomi was born.  At first, it was just Mommy (with "new baby" in her tummy), Daddy, and Lilly.  I asked her if that was everyone and immediately she realized she needed to add Stella.  So she drew the blue sky for heaven and then added Stella in her pretty dress.  I think I will frame this picture and put it up in the nursery after I am done with having it on the fridge.  

Songs, Part 1

"Into the West" became one of my "Stella" songs shortly after her passing. On my first postpartum run, I listened to this song while standing in the cemetery watching an amazing sunset with tears streaming down my face. 

Neil is a personal friend with an amazing voice. He is also an Angel Dad. I know his heart is truly in this performance--you can see it at the very end of the video. I also happen to know the pianist and that he has overcome some great challenges in his life.  I cannot listen to this performance without tears streaming down my face. 

There are so many significant phrases in this song. Although I understand that my little girl is not just "sleeping," but the image of being able to hold her in my arms once more is something I dream of and long for--it will happen one day. I look forward to that day, Stella.  Until that day and forever, I love you!

Scared

I don't really want to write this, but I guess that means that I should, right?

Last night we went to our new neighborhood block party.  It was a lot of fun and I met some great people that I look forward to getting to know better.  It was pot-luck style and the food was yummy.

Sorry if this is TMI (the whole post will get a bit graphic, so don't keep reading if your stomach is feeling weak right now), but I have been a little "backed-up" the last few days and I knew that when it finally came out, it was not going to be fun.  Well, it wasn't.  About 3:45 this morning I woke up with a rotten stomach.  I don't know if it was technically "food poisoning," but something I ate last night was not sitting well in my stomach.  As I fought through the pains of gas behind constipation, I was not a happy camper.

Well, as my body realized it was not going to get out what it needed to down below, it sent it up, instead.  NOT FUN!  Although I am gratefully not one that suffers with morning sickness, I have had more than my fair share of stomach bugs while pregnant and I am not a fan.  I won't say I would trade it, but this is my place to complain, so I am going to.  I was basically on the toilet for the next two hours.

Now, in the past, when I have fought with any kind of a "throwing-up" bug, I will normally purge, and then have a resting time of 45-60 minutes before my body attacks again.  This usually allows me to get some rest in between.  Not this time.  I have tried really hard to stay hydrated this pregnancy, knowing that I am going through heat and also trying to prevent the swelling that I have experienced in my previous two pregnancies.  The problem is, when I get sick like that, I can't keep anything down.  I even tried to drink some water, but about 10 minutes later, it was up.  :-(

Something I did not learn until this morning, when pregnant, if you get too dehydrated, it can induce contractions.  Not a good thing for someone only 25 weeks pregnant (about six months, for those who measure that way).  After about an hour of purging (thankfully, my lower bowels finally gave in and gave a bit of relief that way), I started realizing that the cramping I was experiencing was more than just "bad stomach."  I was having contractions!

They were not hard contractions, but they were coming every 5-10 minutes.  Because of the tightening of my uterus, it also tightened up my stomach and triggered my gag reflex.  Some times it was productive, other times it was just loud.  Everything kind of "clicked" when I realized the my instinct was to moan to work through these bouts of pain.  I thought, "this feels more like a labor coping method than a vomiting coping method."

Then, fear kicked in.  I have been warned (in a kind way, not at all negative) since I first discovered I was pregnant, that because of having two pregnancies so close together, I could end up delivering this baby early.  I am hoping that I will not go too much more than 1-2 weeks, but I had this warning start flaring up in the back of my mind.  That, combined with knowing of a few other angel moms who have lost two babies in a year, or miscarried in the pregnancy following their loss, I had huge surges of fear start rushing through my body.

I know this fear was not good for me physically; as I look back, I am pretty sure it intensified the pain, which then induced more fear.  But, I think in the end, it was needed.  Rather than sit in the fear for too long (although my moaning began taking on words as I vocalized my fear), it prompted me to share it with Pret and ask for a blessing and let him know that I felt I needed to go to the hospital.  My sister and her husband and their kids are here right now, so even though it was 6:00 am, Pret was able to get Alan to give me a blessing.  I don't remember much of what was said (I was SO TIRED and weak that I was barely conscious between attacks), but I do remember that Pret said that the baby would be ok.  That calmed my fear a little bit, but it was still very present.

I was so scared that something was going to happen to this baby.  Although I am so grateful for the strength and blessings that we have received through and after everything with Stella, I don't want to go through that again.  Who would?  Although I know at 25 weeks my baby could possibly survive (after many weeks-months in the NICU, ) but I am not ready for that.  I need this baby to be healthy and strong.

I don't feel as though I felt a lot of fear going into things with Stella.  In fact, I felt so much peace that I don't think there was room for fear.  So, even though I am chalking up my fear to PTSD, I don't know that it stems from feeling fear then.  I just know that I DO NOT want to go through that again.  I don't want the pain, the sadness, the emptiness again.

Anyway, Pret took me to the hospital.  I think we hit every light between here and the hospital being red.  Pret ran a few of them, for which I was very grateful.  I hope that is not a pre-curser to when I go in to deliver this baby.  Hopefully we got it all out this time.  Anyway, I had one last attack in the parking lot (I had thankfully brought the bowl with me), but I was so weak afterward that Pret went in and got a wheelchair to take me up to L&D.  They had an IV bag and some Zofran waiting for me, for which I was VERY grateful!  They also immediately hooked me up to a contraction and baby monitor so they could check to make sure everything was OK.

It was then that I realized how fear-driven my sickness really was.  I didn't have any more nausea attacks once I was at the hospital, even though according to my current "rate," I should have had one before they even had the IV in me, let alone the Zofran flowing through my blood.  I think the peace of just being in the hospital and knowing that if things got too bad they would be able to handle it helped to calm my body down.  The contractions, albeit minor, did continue for the next 45 minutes or so until I became more hydrated, baby's heartbeat was strong and the little one was really moving around, so I knew everything was going to be ok.

The nurses were also very reassuring, sharing that it was very common for dehydration to induce contractions.  That made both Pret and me feel a lot better.  They automatically pushed me with two bags of fluid, and then when the nurse went to check with my midwife, she recommended another bag as well as another dose of Zofran.  I am grateful that she did.  I know that it has helped a lot.

As I was laying there receiving the fluids, I was able to process my emotions a little bit more and recognize the fear.  I am still a little bit shaky about it as I am writing this, and know that I need to process it a little bit more, but I am just glad that I can recognize it for what it is.

I have some dear friends that have worked with and through PTSD in their lives.  I know the detriment it has been for them.  Although my experience was short-lived, I can now empathize with them on how it deeply and strongly it can affect a person.  I was shaking uncontrollably (common for me when I am sick/emotional), obviously not well physically, and just wanted to moan my way through life and even just pass out to get away from it all.

I was released before noon and have just been taking it easy the rest of the day.  I am very tired (even after a 90 minute nap), and am looking forward to sleeping tonight.  I have taken some more Zofran so I could eat some soup and hopefully build up a little bit of energy.  Here's to a better day tomorrow.

Healthy

We went in for our ultrasound today. Admittedly, we were both a bit nervous. Pret decided he wanted to come and I'm glad he was able to experience a positive ultrasound. 

Yes, everything appeared healthy and normal and measured right on target!  Both the tech and the midwife were funny with us not wanting to know. The tech, who happens to be roommates with one of Pret's best nurses, said we are definitely in the minority when it comes to (not) finding out the gender of the baby. She was great about showing us as much as she could without revealing any parts. :)

I got so good at recognizing the parts amidst Stella's abnormalities, that it was almost hard to distinguish them when everything was normal. I almost missed seeing the acieties (all the fluid, etc.,  in her abdomen,) but I am so glad it is absent in this new little one. 

So, now the next waiting game begins. The midwives have warned that I could deliver early due to having two pregnancies so close together, so I could be more than halfway there. Hopefully I won't go too early-I don't want to go back to school before Christmas! :)

Six-month

Another cunning way to get around "one word!"  :-)

It was last night that I realized that tomorrow was six months for two reasons--it is the first Tuesday as well as actually being the 3rd day of the month.  This is the first time it has happened since the day Stella was born.

It has been a great day.  Made it to do initiatory at the temple, which was really nice.  Pret was able to make it, too, which was a first as well, and very nice.

The last few weeks have been rough.  Sunday, I had a bit of a breakdown.  Pret was very supportive and let me just be.  The week has gotten progressively better, maybe that has to do with the fact that the school year has gotten progressively shorter.

Ok, that's really all I wanted to say.  Short and sweet and life is going on.  :-)

Motions

It has been a while since I have had a day when I feel like I am just going through the motions.  I hope that I can break out of it for today, but right now it doesn't feel like it.

Today started out really great.  Today was the "Running With Angels" run at Thanksgiving Point.  It was an absolutely perfect, beautiful day for a run.  I hope all those running the Ogden Marathon today felt the same way for their race.  Anyway, I felt good the whole time, smiled every time I saw purple tulips and had some fun conversations with Lilly.  It was also awesome to see so many people rallying behind so many angels.  I hope to get a team together next year honoring all the young angels of people I know.  We'll see how ambitious I get with a 6-month old!  At least I know I'll be able to run a 5K at that point.

Since I was already out and about and didn't have anything more pressing than housework and a shower to get home to, I decided that I would swing by IMC and finally pick up the hand and feet molds that had been done of Stella.  They called about a week after her birth and told me they were done, but I just had not made the time to go get them yet.  So today would be the day that I would do lots of things for Stella!

As I went into the maternity ward, I felt fine.  No painful flashbacks, just a peacefulness that was there.  The receptionist had stepped away for a moment, so the solo nurse asked me to sit for a minute.  That is when I took a moment to look around.  I saw the sign that showed where our room was located.  I remembered that they had put us back around the corner so we wouldn't be so disturbed by the main flow.  And I started remembering...  I had to take a deep breath.  I wanted to cry, but I didn't.

The receptionist returned and the nurse went to go get the molds.  She was very kind and noticed the bib I was wearing and asked about what I had been up to.  I explained about the run and she noted how hard it was on both ends of the events.  Hard for the family, but equally hard for the nurses.  I can only imagine.  She was very kind and tender and offered me love on my way when the nurse returned with the boxes.

I quickly returned to the car, as I had left Lilly waiting in the car (don't judge or call the cops on me, please).  I wanted to see them, though.  Lilly was quietly playing with my phone, so I took a moment to open the boxes and just be with Stella's little hands and feet.  I will share pictures in another post.  But I just remembered holding her precious hands and never wanting to let go.  They were so tiny and white and perfect.  I loved them so much!  I love her so much! (Tears are pouring right now, just FYI).

I took just a moment to be with them and feel and grieve and cry.  I knew I needed to get moving again, though.  So I went through the motions of starting the car, putting it in gear, and putting it in the direction of home.  As I was driving, I realized that I was just kind of on autopilot.  I was truly just going through the motions.  Good thing I have 16 years of driving under my belt so I could get away with that.  :-)

Now, for one of the first times in a long time, I just want to take the day and cry.  Don't know that the tears will really come all day, and I have some great things to be looking forward to today, but I'm not sure how it will turn out.  I am just going to let it flow.  I know I have the right and the NEED to do it.  Every day does not have to be happy, but every day will be perfect for what it is meant to be.  I am grateful I recognize and understand that and have so many people who love and support me through knowing and understanding that as well.

Sometimes it's ok to just go through the motions.  It is what gets me through.

Three

Again, a "kinda" double meaning for the title.  And they are both great meanings!

Three #1:  We are expecting baby number three!

Three #2:  I am three months pregnant today!

So for those of you trying to count, that means that we will be expecting a baby around November 17th.  We are very excited and feel very blessed to be expecting again so soon.  We recognize that all is part of God's plan and are so thankful for the opportunity we will have to bring another child into our family.

In both of my previous pregnancies, we were unable to detect the babies' heartbeats via Doppler and we had to go to ultrasound to see the babies moving.  So it was kind of fun to have the midwife go straight to ultrasound, without me even saying anything, and see such a perfect picture of our baby.  Baby was very active (even at just 10 weeks) and had a strong heartbeat flutter, so I was happy.  Lilly was a little disappointed as she loves going with me to hear the baby's heartbeat, but there will be many more experiences for her in the future.

Speaking of Lilly, she is very excited that Mommy has another baby in her tummy.  She is also extra conscious of other women who have just, or who "may" have (sorry again, Sarah!) babies in their tummies as well.  I think that she will be a little worried when it comes time to go for delivery that I might not bring this baby home, but we will address that concern in a few more months.  I'm also glad that we have a few months to adjust to having to "share" Mommy.  She has wigged out the last few times I have had another child on my lap.

And an ending quote from my current favorite show, "Call the Midwife," coming from a woman who survived the Holocaust to another character who just lost a loved one:

"You just keep on living until one day you feel alive again."

It is good to feel alive and I look forward to being able to feel a life inside again!