I don't really want to write this, but I guess that means that I should, right?
Last night we went to our new neighborhood block party. It was a lot of fun and I met some great people that I look forward to getting to know better. It was pot-luck style and the food was yummy.
Sorry if this is TMI (the whole post will get a bit graphic, so don't keep reading if your stomach is feeling weak right now), but I have been a little "backed-up" the last few days and I knew that when it finally came out, it was not going to be fun. Well, it wasn't. About 3:45 this morning I woke up with a rotten stomach. I don't know if it was technically "food poisoning," but something I ate last night was not sitting well in my stomach. As I fought through the pains of gas behind constipation, I was not a happy camper.
Well, as my body realized it was not going to get out what it needed to down below, it sent it up, instead. NOT FUN! Although I am gratefully not one that suffers with morning sickness, I have had more than my fair share of stomach bugs while pregnant and I am not a fan. I won't say I would trade it, but this is my place to complain, so I am going to. I was basically on the toilet for the next two hours.
Now, in the past, when I have fought with any kind of a "throwing-up" bug, I will normally purge, and then have a resting time of 45-60 minutes before my body attacks again. This usually allows me to get some rest in between. Not this time. I have tried really hard to stay hydrated this pregnancy, knowing that I am going through heat and also trying to prevent the swelling that I have experienced in my previous two pregnancies. The problem is, when I get sick like that, I can't keep anything down. I even tried to drink some water, but about 10 minutes later, it was up. :-(
Something I did not learn until this morning, when pregnant, if you get too dehydrated, it can induce contractions. Not a good thing for someone only 25 weeks pregnant (about six months, for those who measure that way). After about an hour of purging (thankfully, my lower bowels finally gave in and gave a bit of relief that way), I started realizing that the cramping I was experiencing was more than just "bad stomach." I was having contractions!
They were not hard contractions, but they were coming every 5-10 minutes. Because of the tightening of my uterus, it also tightened up my stomach and triggered my gag reflex. Some times it was productive, other times it was just loud. Everything kind of "clicked" when I realized the my instinct was to moan to work through these bouts of pain. I thought, "this feels more like a labor coping method than a vomiting coping method."
Then, fear kicked in. I have been warned (in a kind way, not at all negative) since I first discovered I was pregnant, that because of having two pregnancies so close together, I could end up delivering this baby early. I am hoping that I will not go too much more than 1-2 weeks, but I had this warning start flaring up in the back of my mind. That, combined with knowing of a few other angel moms who have lost two babies in a year, or miscarried in the pregnancy following their loss, I had huge surges of fear start rushing through my body.
I know this fear was not good for me physically; as I look back, I am pretty sure it intensified the pain, which then induced more fear. But, I think in the end, it was needed. Rather than sit in the fear for too long (although my moaning began taking on words as I vocalized my fear), it prompted me to share it with Pret and ask for a blessing and let him know that I felt I needed to go to the hospital. My sister and her husband and their kids are here right now, so even though it was 6:00 am, Pret was able to get Alan to give me a blessing. I don't remember much of what was said (I was SO TIRED and weak that I was barely conscious between attacks), but I do remember that Pret said that the baby would be ok. That calmed my fear a little bit, but it was still very present.
I was so scared that something was going to happen to this baby. Although I am so grateful for the strength and blessings that we have received through and after everything with Stella, I don't want to go through that again. Who would? Although I know at 25 weeks my baby could possibly survive (after many weeks-months in the NICU, ) but I am not ready for that. I need this baby to be healthy and strong.
I don't feel as though I felt a lot of fear going into things with Stella. In fact, I felt so much peace that I don't think there was room for fear. So, even though I am chalking up my fear to PTSD, I don't know that it stems from feeling fear then. I just know that I DO NOT want to go through that again. I don't want the pain, the sadness, the emptiness again.
Anyway, Pret took me to the hospital. I think we hit every light between here and the hospital being red. Pret ran a few of them, for which I was very grateful. I hope that is not a pre-curser to when I go in to deliver this baby. Hopefully we got it all out this time. Anyway, I had one last attack in the parking lot (I had thankfully brought the bowl with me), but I was so weak afterward that Pret went in and got a wheelchair to take me up to L&D. They had an IV bag and some Zofran waiting for me, for which I was VERY grateful! They also immediately hooked me up to a contraction and baby monitor so they could check to make sure everything was OK.
It was then that I realized how fear-driven my sickness really was. I didn't have any more nausea attacks once I was at the hospital, even though according to my current "rate," I should have had one before they even had the IV in me, let alone the Zofran flowing through my blood. I think the peace of just being in the hospital and knowing that if things got too bad they would be able to handle it helped to calm my body down. The contractions, albeit minor, did continue for the next 45 minutes or so until I became more hydrated, baby's heartbeat was strong and the little one was really moving around, so I knew everything was going to be ok.
The nurses were also very reassuring, sharing that it was very common for dehydration to induce contractions. That made both Pret and me feel a lot better. They automatically pushed me with two bags of fluid, and then when the nurse went to check with my midwife, she recommended another bag as well as another dose of Zofran. I am grateful that she did. I know that it has helped a lot.
As I was laying there receiving the fluids, I was able to process my emotions a little bit more and recognize the fear. I am still a little bit shaky about it as I am writing this, and know that I need to process it a little bit more, but I am just glad that I can recognize it for what it is.
I have some dear friends that have worked with and through PTSD in their lives. I know the detriment it has been for them. Although my experience was short-lived, I can now empathize with them on how it deeply and strongly it can affect a person. I was shaking uncontrollably (common for me when I am sick/emotional), obviously not well physically, and just wanted to moan my way through life and even just pass out to get away from it all.
I was released before noon and have just been taking it easy the rest of the day. I am very tired (even after a 90 minute nap), and am looking forward to sleeping tonight. I have taken some more Zofran so I could eat some soup and hopefully build up a little bit of energy. Here's to a better day tomorrow.
